


heavy is the head that holds the hollow crown

by maggiesbombshell



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Angst, Catra Needs A Hug, Character Study, F/F, Kind of an open ending, and intensive therapy, catra centric, catra is DEEP in denial, horde lord catra, mentions of adora - Freeform, no editing we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-02
Updated: 2019-11-02
Packaged: 2021-01-16 20:00:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21276866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maggiesbombshell/pseuds/maggiesbombshell
Summary: catra finally has everything she’s ever wanted. or does she?





	heavy is the head that holds the hollow crown

Lord Catra. It has a pretty nice ring to it. It may be a title-a stupid title at that-but it holds importance. Catra holds importance. 

She has authority, she has control, and it’s not over just her old cadet squadron. Not over Shadow Weaver, or Adora, but over the entire Horde. Even Hordak if the threats she comes up with sound frightening enough. Soon over Etheria in its entirety. 

The Rebellion is basically in shambles after the death of their beloved queen. The Horde is advancing in every way possible even if the cadets and the Fright Zone itself isn’t in good shape. Some of the cadets don’t take her seriously, and even question her ability to lead. But all it takes is a half-hearted threat for them to fall back in line.

They’re all weak. Catra thinks.

Scorpia worries about her a lot. She insists that Catra didn’t mean to send Entrapta away and that it was an act of impulsivity in the midst of a breakdown. Maybe she’s right, but she tells Scorpia that Entrapta betrayed them and that she deserves it. She says it over and over again, though the more she does the more it sounds like she’s trying to convince herself that it’s true.

She isn’t out on the battlefield that much anymore. The force captains and their teams take care of battles. Catra plans them out, the Horde wins, and they move on. She sets her sight on the members of the rebellion themselves and their kingdoms rather than small villages like Hordak and Shadow Weaver did. It helps the Horde move forward and Catra adds that to the list of things she’s done better than Hordak and Shadow Weaver. 

It feels good at first. But then that feeling dissolves like every other time Catra’s been happy. (Or at least the times that she hasn’t felt like utter garbage.) But it isn’t because Adora beat her again. And it isn’t because Shadow Weaver tossed her aside or used for the millionth time, or because Hordak slowly sucked the life out of her as he called her a failure for things that weren’t even her fault. There isn’t a because this time. Nothing bad happens. 

And maybe that’s the problem, that nothing happens. All of those thing are what motivated her every move in the first place. It’s how she clawed her way to the top. It’s how she now haseverything she’s ever wanted in life. But she also doesn’t know what’s next. Being unpredictable is something she takes pride in but she couldn’t stand not knowing what was going to happen. 

The Horde is going to win the war with her being leader she knows. She knows Etheria will be conquered and Horde Prime will arrive. But after that? She doesn’t know what’s next. 

Is she going to sit in a sanctum all day filling out paper work? Will her presence not be needed anymore? Sure she’ll finally prove Adora wrong, she’ll finally win but, after that she serves no purpose. 

And if winning doesn’t feel good now, she knows it’s not going to feel good then. 

She feels nothing. Catra thinks.

She feels a gaping hole inside her begging to be addressed. It grows wider with every win and every weak threat she makes. It screams out to her louder every time she pushes Scorpia away or refuses to talk about Entrapta. 

And Adora? God she’s surprised that the hole hasn’t completely consumed her when Catra thinks about Adora.She thinks about the portal, how everything was perfect and how it should’ve been that way. She thinks about how Adora should be on the throne with her. She did promise after all. But Adora’s against her. Hates her even. She thinks about the glare she was given after the portal and it hurts. 

It doesn’t just make her upset or angry it physically hurts. 

So she turns the hurt and empty space in her core into anger. It isn’t real anger because there’s nothing to be angry about. She should be happy.This is everything she wanted after all. 

Days go by and it feels like an endless loop. Catra wakes up every morning and looks in the mirror. She stares straight into the mirror like how she stares at Hordak when she makes him bow to her. She looks intimidating.

But she doesn’t feel it.

Catra smirks in the mirror next. The one she would wear when playing a prank on Adora or another cadet. She lets it grow into something colder. A little more like the face she’d wear when seeking out Adora.

“Hey Adora.” Her voices echoes through her bathroom. 

Catra frowns. It didn’t sound right.

She tries again. “Hey Adora.” It was lacking something.

She thinks back to a time so long ago when she said this to try and get Adora back. To when those two simple words had meaning. How even though she sounded cold and mean, she didn’t mean it. How she needed to sound cold and mean to get her back, for her own sake, and because Catra wanted her there. 

It felt like a time that was so far away and out of her grasp. Though it was roughly only a few months ago. 

So she thinks back to a closer time. In the Crimson waste where she found Adora on a ship. It was genuinely threatening, a warning. It screamed to others“ don’t let your guard down “. That time feels far away too but if Catra tries hard enough she knows that she can grasp that feeling once more. Even if things have drastically changed since then. Even if Adora truly hates her now.

She has to grab that feeling and never let it go. Then she can warp it into something new. She’d eventually see Adora again. So the way she says it has to be more threatening. It has to fit how she feels. It has to make Adora fear her. 

Catra lowers her head and grabs the sides of the sink. She forces her claws to retract so it doesn’t scratch up the sides.

When she looks up she tries something new. She tries to grab ahold of a memory an even longer time ago. A version of herself that she nearly forgot about. A look that she gave every day for years. She smiles. 

She smiles and attempts to pull that feeling out of the place of herself she’d previously blocked off. She tries to recapture the smile she’d give Adora nearly everyday. She thinks of the last time she gave that smile. Back in Thaymor, when Shadow Weaver gave her a mission to bring Adora back. A smile of pure joy because she knew Shadow Weaver would get off of her case and Adora was safe. And that they’d go home and laugh about the stupid princesses and everything would be okay. 

The smile doesn’t even look like hers. It looks like someone else’s. Her face looks pale and void of emotion. Her face looks tired and unhappy. She looks like she’s faking it all. 

Catra’s fist balls up at her side. Her claws unsheathe a little bit and they prick the palms of her hands. She shuts her eyes and feels herself start to shake. 

It shouldn’t look like she’s faking it. She should look happy, she should feel happy. And she’s trying so hard to grasp that feeling but it won’t work. 

Catra let’s out a shaky breath and slowly opens her eyes. Her eyes look back in to the mirror and for a moment she’s confused. Her tufts are there when she cut them off weeks ago. 

When her eyes land on the restof her face it’s black. Her blue eye is gone and instead black with a silver pupil. One side of her face is dark and it starts to travel down her body. It grows and starts to travel to the other side as well. This was someone to be afraid of. 

That’s what she wants. Catra decides.

The gaping hole aches.

She adds a single black sleeve to her new look.

Weeks go by. A new member is recruited to the Horde. They can shapeshift into anything and they’re really observant.

Catra spends her time with them instead of Scorpia. 

More days go by. She talks to Scorpia less and less.

Until she does. 

Scorpia approaches her of course. Catra’s in her new room at the time. 

She has a bag on her shoulder. Catra raises and eyebrow.

“I’m leaving.”

Catra continues with what she’s doing. “Did Hordak send you on a mission or something?”

Scorpia sighs. “No. I’m going home.”

Catra stays silent.

“I’m going home, and then I’m going to look for Entrapta.” Scorpia pauses. “And I’m not coming back.”

Catra stops filling out the paper work in front of her but still doesn’t meet Scorpia’s eyes. “So you’re leaving too. Can’t say I’m surprised.”

“Catra, you can come with me. I know that you don’t like it here and I know that you don’t really want to do this.” Scorpia reaches out a hand to put on Catra’s shoulder.

She scowls and slaps Scorpia’s hand away. “No. I’m staying. I don’t wanna leave, this is my home.” She lies.

“Catra look at what you’re doing to yourself! I know you’re not happy and you can come with me and we can fix everything.”

_ “Come with me. We can fix this.” _

“I’m doing just fine, Scorpia. You can leave. I don’t care. I don’t need you here anymore.”

Scorpia frowns but doesn’t argue.“Fine. But I just want you to know, caring about people doesn’t make you weak. And even though you constantly push me away, I don’t regret caring about you and being your friend. Goodbye Catra.”

She doesn’t notice that her hands start to tremble. Catra balls her hand up to stop the shaking. She shuts her eyes and desperately tries to remember why she’s doing this. Why she’s Horde Lord, why she needs to win. 

She remembers but can’t grasp the raw feeling. Instead, she cries. 

She cries because she’s lost everything. She cries because the gaping hole consumes her and she’s too far gone. But she does what she knows and converts that feeling into anger and rage.

Catra doesn’t notice that her claws weren’t retracted and that they cut her palms. The cuts not deep but blood is still on her hands. She chooses to ignore it and runs her claws through the horde tapestry on the wall. She does the same with the sheets on the bed. 

Besides that and the paperwork on the floor, the room is pretty much empty.

_Just like you_, an unknown voice says in her head. 

She ignores it and goes to Scorpia’s room. Pretty much everything was gone in there as well except for the dresser, bunk, and tapestry that’s in every force captain’s room. 

Catra starts by ripping apart the tapestry. She tears it to shreds and it falls onto the floor.

She knocks over the dresser and before she can continue two items fall out of the drawers.

One of them is a sleeveless jacket. The one Catra gave to her in the Crimson Waste to be exact. 

_ “We could y’know...be happy.”  _

But Catra couldn’t be happy. It’d never workout in the long run. It never did.She did genuinely consider it though. It seemed that Scorpia cared about her being happy and actually noticed that she wasn’t happy in the Horde and that’s why she wanted her to leave. Unlike Adora with her hypocritical moral compass.

Catra picks up the jacket and clutches it in her hand. She picks up a piece of paper that was underneath it. 

It’s a drawing of her Scorpia and Entrapta labeled “Super Pal Trio”. 

She remembers Scorpia drawing it not too long after Entrapta was welcomed into the Fright Zone.

She’s tempted to tear the picture into pieces. She could destroy the drawing of all three of them holding hands and move on. She could accept that she doesn’t have or need anyone to accomplish her goals. 

But the closest Catra can get to doing that is clutching the drawing in her free hand. Tears threaten to start rolling down her face again.

She didn’t allow herself to open up and become very attached to Scorpia and Entrapta. She told Scorpia a few things but it always ended up being thrown back in her face somehow. 

She never fully accepted her friendship and yet she already missed Scorpia’s bone crushing hugs. Or Entrapta’s social experiments. Or how no matter what Scorpia was willing to do anything for her. Catra never talked about it but it felt nice.

“_They make you wea_k.” A voice that sounds a lot like her own says.

She repeats it like a mantra to hopefully calm down from her shortening breaths and the tears falling. To forget how Entrapta basically saved her from being sent to a death sentence on Beast Island and how she sent her there a few days after.

She still believes the voice is true but she still wants true friends, Catra thinks. 

But maybe she should be glad she ruined it all. Now she didn’t have to worry about being weak.

The next morning she sees Shadow Weaver in the mirror. 

_ “You remind me of myself.” _

The gaping hole screams and her chest hurts as she remembers Shadow Weaver rubbing her tufts and a gentle gesture on her cheek.She’d never been touched gently like that. Not by her. 

Catra’s chest aches as she remembers that being something she wanted for the longest time. And how she was willing to pretend like she didn’t suffer under Shadow Weavers hand for years just to get a moment like that again. Her shoulders heave and her breathing pace speeds up as she remembers that Shadow Weaver left her without a second thought just to seek out Adora.

She forces herself to leave the bathroom even though she hasn’t gotten ready yet.

She curls back up in her bed and tries to sleep it all off. But things Shadow Weaver has previously said to her replay in her head and the voice slowly starts to sound like Catra herself. 

So she forces herself to do something productive. 

As she exits the sanctum later an item meets her eye. A piece of tech. Entrapta’s tech to be exact. Catra picks it up so Hordak won’t notice it in the lab. He doesn’t like to be reminded of her.

And to be honest, (even if for a completely different reason) neither does she.

The next day she finds herself stealing a box of Entrapta’s belongings from a burn pile outside of the fright zone. She remembers the self destructing bots Entrapta built and used in the Whispering Woods.

She begins to tear apart each of the bot parts until she gets down to the small tech that blows itself up. 

It takes her a few days to take them all apart and attach them. 

It isn’t until she’s finished that she really realizes that she’s gonna destroy the Fright Zone. It’s kinda funny that in the portal she was willing to stay in it when it was literally falling apart. Maybe it was because Adora was with her.

But now she’s gonna watch it burn.

The Horde has an emergency alarm that goes off when defenses have been turned off. But you can also pull the switch if something else happens. If you hear the alarm you evacuate. She remembers hearing that in a training class as a child.

Catra places a device in several rooms. The room Shadow Weaver used to stay in with the black garnet, Hordak’s Sanctum, An area where her and Adora would play tag, and her old barrack.

Before she sets it off she fills out once last piece of paper work.

A route to Beast Island. 

Once it’s finished she pulls the alarm. It blares throughout the Fright Zone.A few minutes later she throughly checks the room to make sure everyone had evacuated. 

She soon exits the Fright Zone as well and backs up a few feet. 

Before she can change her mind she presses a button on Entrapta’s remote control and the Fright Zone goes up in flames. 

She watches it burn and she hears the gasps of the cadets. She feels a pang of guilt for not thinking about where everyone would go but she figures almost anywhere was better than the Fright Zone. 

She over hears a few “Chere’s Catra”‘s and she nearly laughs. She watches the Fright Zone burn until the building is nothing but ashes and light flames, severing her past connection with it. 

She feels a light flame in that hole in her core. She smiles a little before turning around.

If she started walking now she could make it to Beast Island in a week or two.

**Author's Note:**

> me: ugh i can’t write
> 
> also me: writes a 2k word long one shot for catra in class
> 
> hope you guys enjoyed sad and emotionally stunted horde lord catra. i basically came up with this entire idea on a whim lol. I’ll try to update my multi chapter this weekend tho I promise!!
> 
> tumblr: catrasbastard  
twitter: catrazulas


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